Oh happiness!

I'm almost done with FYP!! WOOOOHOOOO!!!! The last draft was a nightmare to prepare, and I handed it in a day late, but Brian didnt say anything about that, and the best part is that he APPROVED IT FOR SUBMISSION!! which means that all i have left is a little bit of tweaking here and there and i'm done!

can't wait to hand it in on monday!

six months of work on a paper is honestly the longest i've ever worked on a project. i think the last time was the project work thinggie in JC, but even that wasnt this much work. I throughly enjoyed every minute of it (except maybe the last 3 weeks) and i hope that my grade will reflect all those sleepless nights. i'm going to miss it though...all the stress and tension.

Kit was right...there is a sense of loss now. More like a sense of closing. 7th April marks the end of uni life for most of us. it's been 4 years of up and downs, and much insanity, and although I feel ready to move on, i'm not entirely sure I want to. Will I still be able to keep in touch with all the wild and wonderful people I've met? Or will we all move in ways too separate to ever come together again? We're so close as a class...the first ever English Class, will we stay this close as the years pass and when our lives take separtate courses?

I hope from the very deepest recesses of my heart, that we do.

Burn Out

So I finally found my demolition ball, but now it seems to have completely sapped my energy. My supervisor told me this week that he wants me to re-write 20 odd pages of my FYP and I'm already so drained I don't quite know how I'm going to do it. As it turns out, my introduction is apparantly "genius" and the rest of it is merely "adequate". I have to somehow turn the adequate into genius. And my brain is fried.

I'm feeling so tired right now that all i want is to crawl into bed and sleep. But i can't, because the final submission is on MONDAY! and it's FRIDAY today. yeah...i've got to submit it one full day early. Help?

The worst part is that it's not my body that's tired; it's my mind. I'm feeling so drained. I want to cry but no tears come. I know what I want to do, I know what I have to do, and I know how to do it; I just don't have the energy to do it.

On work

After that ridiculously cryptic last post, it seems that I have neglected this little blog of mine. Not that anyone reads it anyway so I don't think it matters much. I think it's got something to do with my erratic posting. I have a tendeny to post only when I'm stressed, and I post for no one other than myself. It's a stress buster for me, and for some reason writing (even writing nonsense) seems to relax me and help me think better. What am I thinking of now? well FYP deadlines (30 March / 7 April), NIE admissions (22 June), buying a house (June - September), and marriage (December). Lots to think about.

Yup...I'm getting married! Haha...it's extremely exciting, and also very scary. But Ive never been happier, and I hope this happiness is only a trailer of whats to come :)

I've gone and joined the long list of English Literature graduates who have become teachers. I wanted to prove the world wrong and do something else other than teach, and I almost did. I probably would have if I'd just pushed a little harder, but with the economic slump and my fiance and my decision to buy a house, I decided that I needed a stable job with a stable income. so MOE here I come! I'm still getting used to the idea that I'm going to become a teacher when for the last two years I've been imagining myself as a high profile PR rep in some hot shot company. Looks like what my mum says is coming true...don't fight too hard for what you think you want, beacuse at the end of the day, you'll get only what's destined for you. As it turns out, half the English cohort in NTU is going to be enrolling in NIE this June. All those of you who are still looking for jobs and refuse to teach...good for you! Go out there and prove to the world that English graduates don't have to become teachers; they are capable of doing almost anything they want!

FYP is sapping my energy. I seem to have hit a brick wall, and I dont know where to go from here. My supervisor isn't really helping cos he always ends up cancelling meetings. Oh well..does anyone have a demolition ball i could borrow?

Happy :)

I finally feel at peace :) the thing i was most worried about has now been settled, and settled very well i must say :)

There are of course the nitty gritty details to sort out, but thats for the Parents to worry about.

I am so happy i'm ready to burst! And the sad thing is that i can't share my happiness with too many people yet!

Argh!

So much is happening in my life right now. and all of it directly affects the rest of my life. i wish to death i could tell someone about it, but i can't. only those people directly involved in the matter know whats going on, and even they're sworn to secrecy.

i'm bursting to tell, someone, anyone who will listen, but i fear they won't understand. i fear they will judge, not me, but the ones i love.

but i feel a strange calm inside. i am surprised. i know deep down that things will be alright. God will make them alright. lately i've been feeling as if i have a guardian angel watching over me. he kept me from breaking down today when the stress and anxiety levels were at their highest.

thank you.

please pray for me, for us.

The Devil was an Angel too

So she’s finally done it; placed that last straw that broke the camel’s back, or in this case, poked that last pin that finally shattered my patience. By not getting our email addresses renewed, she helpfully gave me a reason not to attend a gathering I’ve been looking forward to for two weeks. Thanks. I appreciate not getting the chance to get to know our successors better. Really, I do.
Yes, part of the blame lies with the organisers for not making sure that everyone on their guest list got the message, but they didn’t know that the email address they were emailing me at is invalid. And why is it invalid? Well because the person who was supposed to get them renewed didn’t do it. Why? Only she knows.
I could still attend this little party now that I know about it. I could still skip my evening class and go for it. But I’m not going to. I feel unwanted. I don’t see why I should attend a party when no one wants me there.
But it’s not the first time is it? How many times have I felt unwanted in this Society in the past? More times than I care to count.

And in the end it almost always turns out to be the fault (if not in whole, then in part) of that same person.

And in the end, it doesn't really matter

And it's finally over.

I thought I'd have a helluva lot to say but surprisingly I dont.

I dont feel like bitching about the people who made me miserable over the past year.

It just seems pointless to.

It's over now, and although I can't bring myself to forgive, I can bring myself to forget.

Just one last thing to do before I leave. Just a few more reports to complete and then I'll be truly free.

One song comes to mind that sums it all up: Linkin Park's In The End

It starts with one thing I don't know why It doesn't even matter how hard you try
keep that in mind I designed this rhyme
To explain in due time
All I know
Time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away
It's so unreal
Didn't look out below
Watch the time go right out the window
Trying to hold on, but didn't even know
Wasted it all just to watch you go
I kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when

I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter

One thing, I don't know why
It doesn’t even matter how hard you try, keep that in mind
I designed this rhyme, to explain in due time
I tried so hard
In spite of the way you were mocking me
Acting like I was part of your property
Remembering all the times you fought with me
I'm surprised it got so (far)
Things aren't the way they were before
You wouldn't even recognize me anymore
Not that you knew me back then
But it all comes back to me (in the end)
You kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when

Chorus

I’ve put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
And for all this
There's only one thing you should know

(2x) Chorus

Goodbye...